“You Should Have Done…”
I know a handful of people who often use the phrase, “…you should have done…” I’ve never really been a big fan of this phrase, but I’ve never articulated why I dislike it so much. For most people I talk to it seems to be a semantics issue or something similarly unimportant. I think it is more important than that, and I have a preferred substitute phrase that I think works better.
“…next time you can…”
The reason I dislike the first phrase is that it is backwards-looking. I hear that phrase and I hear someone projecting negativity or regret and along with that often comes a strong desire to change the past. That’s not really possible or contructive.
When I discuss this with someone who uses this phrase often I wil quickly learn that they don’t really intend to be so negative. Ceratainly sometimes they do, but generally it is just a way of saying something. So, after hearing what they’d like to communicate I offer up a more positive and constructive way of saying what’s on their mind. Instead of, “David, you should have taken a right, and we would have gotten there sooner.” the same thought can just as easily be, “David, next time you can take a right, and it will save more time.”
Perhaps this is all just in my head. I don’t know. This is one reason I am blogging about it. (The other reason being that I just like to write) I’d like to know if other people can see the difference between these two approaches. I strongly feel that the first approach is negative, backward-looking, and filled with projected regret; whereas the second approach is positive, forward-looking, and filled with a hope for improvement in the future.
Posted by David under Commentary |
I can see how the former can be negative, though I’ve never really percieved it as such. To me, “you should have taken a right,” is a manner of speech like a colloquialism. Then again, when heard constantly or from someone you love, it definitely does come to take on a negative connotation.
I agree that your new way is much better, but it will probably take some time before it becomes a lasting, or even an accepted phrase.
Comment by Nate — June 28, 2005 @ 7:03 pm
I see your point. I like the positive way.
Comment by Jessica — June 30, 2005 @ 3:46 pm
I can see what you are saying. It doesn’t frustrate me so much when someone tells me what “I should have done”…I get more annoyed when I have to repeatedly hear what someone else thinks they, themselves, “should have done”…”Oh, I made the wrong decision, I should have….”
I hear it a lot with my mom in particular, and it is so aggravating to listen to. It’s over, done, finished….stop having such turmoil about it.
I agree with you that Ideally people would rephrase their manner of speak to change their focus from critiquing a past event to encouraging a future action. However, good luck with getting even the people directly around you to change this too much. It’s so ingrained in who we are and how we are teached, I don’t see it changing. I guess you and I will just have to buck up and live with the pessimistic outlook….but may our optimism not lack within ourselves
PS…I miss you lots, and I hope your time in Otown alone is treatin you well. Drop me an email or call me next time you get a chance
I’m sorrounded by so many “old” people, I truly need some youth to re-energize me (though, I am not complaining, everything is going pretty well for me) Love you
Comment by JennyJinNJ — July 2, 2005 @ 12:49 am