Depressed
Tonight I am depressed. I’m not really happy at all. I have a headache. My eyes hurt so badly that they are constantly watering and they are light sensative to boot, so I am having to type without looking at my computer. So, please excuse the errors that are sure to come.
Now that I am thinking about blogging things, I remember my post about anger. Depression is supposedly caused by anger. I can kinda see that now.
I AM angry. I’m upset with my girlfriend because she demands that I be perfect and is pissed when I am anything but, I am upset with my brother, whom I live with because he is basically a jerk to me all the time. He refuses to start any conversations with me, he uses my stuff and treats it poorly, and he also expects me to be perfect. The other people I live with are also kinda upsetting me. I’d like to play my gamecube game, because I just got it Friday, but this other roommate and his live-in gf have been watching TV ever since I woke up. Chances are reasonably good that they were even watching before I got up. When they weren’t watching TV, the TV was still on, leaving me to believe that they were watching. They watched two NFL games. I got to play my game at one point in the begining of one of them, because they weren’t too interested in the game at that point.
Anyway, they’ve been in that room all day. This is extremely unusual and is coming at a time when I’d like to have played my game. So, it got under my skin. Not really anything worth writing about or complaining about, but I am complaining right now so, I added it to the list.
I’m also upset with my brother because he makes huge messes in the kitchen which require me to either clean up after him or not use the kitchen. The first thing is annoying, because it is a huge mess. Think gourmet; think not putting anything away… even half a bowl of unused pancake batter or a stick of unused butter. Think splatter. Think food burned to stuff. Shoot, This might be time for a picture… or two 
OK, so I clean up after him and so does my roommate, but this is annoying on an emotional level because he takes such pride in getting other people to do work for him. It’s like his love language is acts of service, but it got twisted because he’s evil. Evil in an I have to daily lock the door to my room because I don’t trust him at all kinda way. Evil in an… wait… I’ll just mention that he is living here to go to Law School after three years of trying to make it in Hollywood. That worked. Those two details defame his character enough as it is — I need say no more.
Anyway, I am depressed right now. It might be caused by anger, but that doesn’t really much matter. The problem I have now is that I am depressed. I feel like I don’t get along all that well with the people I live with, and I am concerned that this might be my fault. This exacerbates my problem with the amount of pressure I feel dur to the perfectionistic people I have in my life — myself very included. This pressure is depressing me because, well, I’m concerned that I will have troubles that I cannot solve.
Dude, it really sucks being a person. Let me preach to the choir on this issue for a bit…
1. It sucks to be a person because we’re all stuck on this Earth until we die.
2. It sucks to be a person because we’re all messed up to some extent. We’ve all got problems, we all forget things, fail at things, get angry, blah, blah, blah… this list of reasons and ways taht we are less than perfect and criticizable is endless.
3. It sucks to be a person because we all have egos, which cause bad things like pride, perfectionism, a desire to be better than human, and the desire to live and live.
4. It sucks to be a person because we have all the desires listed in #3, but we have all the failings listed in #2.
Realization! It just occured to me that I wrote criticizable up above. Criticism is something that I left out in my earlier discussion about the things that have me angry. I mentioned that people want for me to be perfect, but I failed to mention that people criticize me and others a lot. (Note: For some inexplicable reason I am very bothered when other people are criticized and the criticism occurs in my presence.) I come under criticism. I don’t really like this. Some people dislike criticism because they feel it is undeserved. This happens to me occasionally, but a lot of the time I feel that it is deserved too. Either way, I’m left feeling bad. In fact, I feel badly even if someone else is being criticized. Why do people do this criticism thing? I even do it! Grrrrrr…
There are so many reasons not to be critical, and so few reasons for it, and yet people continue to feel like they are in the position to pass down criticism. Some even feel like it is alwas a positive thing, because life completely devoid of criticism would be bad. Can’t there be some sort of balance? Hopefully, a balance tilted toward less criticism.
Whoa… I just hit some sort of something, because I am wiped. I am completely sick of typing, and I am sick of this thought process. So, THE END. I guess I’ll click save, publish this, and let any who pass to read criticize away in their heads or the comment box. Yeah, I’m depressed.
Posted by David under Uncategorized |